The Great American philosopher William Martin Joel once was describing the lives of a variety of workers. He pointed out that they had addictions, they had side hustles and they had loneliness. He described them as “sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone”. Maybe he wasn’t talking about a bar when he wrote this. He could have been talking about the work environment. But that was 1973. A lot has changed in 50 years.
And while the perception may still be correct, the reality of remote work or being in the office can be complicated.
Is it better to be lonely working with people in an office than to have the same feelings working by yourself?
We all look for meaningful connections. As dysfunctional and misdirected as the connections might be within traditional office settings, people often accept a cheap substitute for what they’re looking for. It’s often hard to quantify, but we know it when we find it. Or at least we think we do. Loneliness on the other hand rarely gets quantified, but some specific things can lead to loneliness both in the office or remotely.
Lack of Social Interaction
If someone is working remotely or in a job that does not require much interaction with colleagues, they may feel isolated and disconnected from others. A lot of social interactions happen naturally in an office setting for most people. But again, this isn’t true for everyone. Offices can be cliquish, tied to geography and traffic patterns within the office, or discriminatory based on the usual differentiators. We may judge our experience by what we see others doing, or we may just feel a lack based on our own needs.
In the case of remote workers, in most cases you are alone. And depending on how the rest of your coworkers work, you may be treated differently. Both can be recipes for loneliness by themselves. Individually, we need to take initiative to have social interactions when we are working remotely. This can be easy for some people and not for others. Companies also need to be aware of these factors and help create meaningful social interactions both in the office and remotely. Creating strategies to ensure people feel connected, regardless of where they work, is important to building a great culture and retaining great talent.
Personality Differences
Sometimes, people may have different personalities or communication styles that make it difficult for them to connect with others in the workplace. We all probably know some of “those people”. While these differences can lead to loneliness in the office, they can be magnified in a remote setting. People tend to like people who are like them. This simple fact often leads to discrimination and lack of diversity over time. Companies need to help create cultural frameworks that allow everyone to connect to it in their own way. This way even with their differences, there can be shared commonalities.
Not everyone is going to be the life of the party, or even want to be. Some people may be perfectly happy reviewing spreadsheets in the corner of a basement with no one to bother them. Others may find this isolating in the extreme. Get to know your teams and their personalities. Figure out what is likely to make them feel lonely both in the office or remote based on their personalities. Tools such as Myers Briggs, Colby, Enneagram, or DISC can be a shortcut to understanding people’s personalities and figuring out better ways for them to connect.
Feeling Like an Outsider
If someone is new to the company or the team, they may feel like they don’t belong or that they haven’t been fully accepted by their colleagues. Maybe you are a parent who has to get to daycare when everyone else is meeting after work. Perhaps your handicap makes it difficult to participate in company outings. Or maybe it’s just that people are praised for coming into the office, and you prefer to stay remote. It doesn’t always take a formal policy to make people feel like outsiders. It’s usually the absence of one. Companies are self organizing systems. They often self organize to the exclusion of certain groups or people. Leaders need to look for those holes in the culture and find ways to ensure people feel like they belong. It’s easy to overlook. This is why Diversity, Equity and Inclusion programs (DEI) can be an important tool for companies. It forces companies to step back and see where people are being excluded either intentionally or unintentionally. Companies should also have policies about remote workers. It’s usually outside the DEI scope, but remote workers can experience discrimination just like other groups. It may show up differently at work, but the effect on people can be the same.
Workload and Stress
If someone is overwhelmed with work and feels like they don’t have time for social interaction, they may feel lonely even if they are surrounded by others. There’s a saying that if you want something done, give it to the busy person. This vote of confidence can compound feelings of loneliness as people retreat into the work to get everything done. Stress can make it difficult to interact with others. You may not want to be around others. Or people may not want to be around you depending on your mood. Whether you are pulling yourself away, or driving others away, stress can create loneliness. Leaders need to have realistic expectations of workloads and how different people deal with stress both in the office and while working remote.
Lack of Trust or Communication
If there is a lack of trust or communication between colleagues, it can create an environment where people feel isolated and alone. Most of us have seen this a few times in our careers. I once worked with an organization where the managers didn’t trust the workers, and the workers didn’t trust the managers. This wasn’t just an observation, people would say it openly. You have to wonder how organizations get to that point and continue to function, but they do. They tend to have high burnout, low engagement, and a lot of turnover. You end up with a culture where people do as little as possible to get by until they find something better. People want to belong. They want to feel trusted. And they want to be heard. Leaders need to make sure those things are in place. People won’t just be feeling alone. They will probably be looking for somewhere where they don’t feel that way.
Organizational Culture
The culture can also play a role in whether people feel connected or disconnected from their colleagues. If the company values individual achievement over teamwork, for example, it may be more difficult for people to form strong connections with their colleagues. Being the first in and the last out can create challenges for remote workers, or encourage digital presenteeism, where workers are always trying to demonstrate they are working even after normal hours.
Culture is about a lot of different things. Good or bad, it will evolve naturally. And it will change over time based on the people involved. Defining the culture in terms of vision, goals, values, and principles, can help maintain a common framework over time. Having cultural norms can help be a benchmark to keep everyone focused on the same things. And bring things back into alignment when people or practices stray from them. Having a culture people can connect with is really the framework that all these other factors fit into.
Whether we are in the office or remote, there are lots of opportunities to share and be connected. We also need to remember there are lots of opportunities for people to be lonely too. Leaders need to focus on both to maintain a successful culture. Another famous philosopher asked the following two questions about all the lonely people:
- Where do they all come from?
- Where do they all belong?
If you can answer those questions, (while Eleanor Rigby is playing in your brain) the world and work may be a little less lonely.
